Archer Martin

In an encouraging European development this week, German authorities are tracking G-8 protesters using their personal scent. Petra Pau, a senior lawmaker with the Left Party (home to former communists), said that this is a “method of the East German Stasi”. Of course, the people complaining about this “East German Stasi-esque” move are the same people who supported the communists while they were in power.

No word from animal rights activists whether or not the police dogs in question have had their rights violated, but hippie experts agree the activists will get around to it once they find a bar of soap and ultrasonic dog chaser.

Not only is Bin Laden alive, but he also tried to kill Cheney?

In the world of the Taliban leader Mullah Dadullah, an attack planned against Cheney which didn’t even penetrate the base’s outermost defenses was a raging “success” as a result of Bin Laden’s “wise planning”.

There is kissing up, and then there is this. I think we can deduce from this story that Bin Laden is obviously not alive, because if he was, he’d behead Mullah Dadullah and feed him to his camels. It’s kinda like claiming to cure a cancer patient when all you did was give him an aspirin for his headache. I wouldn’t want to be that doctor!

No, not Donald Trump for getting Rosie O’Donnell canned from The View.

This guy! Investigators found that the snake involved was a victim of neglect? Are you kidding me? The snake would have given the dude a high five if he had hands. Now all he has to look forward to is a life of dead rats and birdseed. Stupid PETA!

In a stunning blow to socialists everywhere, Walmart opens 400 medical clinics, continuing it’s tradition of low prices for all. You know, leftists hate Walmart. Always closing down mom and pop stores who have been ripping off local communities since 1902, and opening up markets to higher quality goods for lower prices.

One of the Mexico’s biggest exports have been illegal aliens, and our emergency rooms look more like landing pads for an invasion than medical facilities. With Wal-marts Urgent Care centers, healthcare will be delivered to these folks at a low price while maintaining high quality, thus alleviating some of the economic pressures currently facing the system. Score one for capitalism!

*RELEVANCE ALERT*

The Florida Senate is pushing through a bill which will add a “I choose not to vote” option to the ballot, in order to allow voters to “clearly display disdain for election officials.”

Ever hear of pressing “next” on the voting machine? This kinda reminds me of people who sign up for an email newsletter, report it as spam, and then reward themselves with a giant candy bar. Or crack cocaine.

In other news, the horribly repressed women of Iran continue to be arrested for wearing “loose” headscarves in public. No word when they will have the privilege to vote, but experts say it will probably occur during breaks between their hourly duties of watering camels and purifying uranium.

FLASH! Devastating Moyers Probe of Press and Iraq Coming.

Hooray! Finally the press members have laid down their hammer and sickles in order to pick up the Red, White, and Blue. Right?

No.

The article begins: “The most powerful indictment of the news media falling down in its duties in the run-up to the war in Iraq will appear next Wednesday..on PBS.” It continues, ” While much of the evidence of the media’s role as cheerleaders for the war is not new…”

What? Cheerleaders? If by cheerleaders, you mean Carrie I might understand. Goodness, if the press loved the islamofascists anymore they may actually start saying Christians pose a greater threat than terrorists!

Senator Harry Reid says that the war against islamofascists in Iraq is lost, and that the only way we can win is diplomatically, economically, and politically.

Yawn. For a little excitement, let’s take a look at the diplomacy, economics, and politics of the islamofascists, shall we?

Islamofascist Diplomacy
Islamofascist Economics
Islamofascist Politics

Oh, now it all makes sense. American flag burning, plentiful narcotics, and mass protests by disgruntled freedom haters. No wonder the democrats are upset we’re trying to wipe these people off the face of the Earth!

I wonder if Justice Ginsburg is upset because she and Janet Reno were thinking of aborting their love child if things turned out badly at the last minute. You know, like the girl being hot, Republican, or chaste.

Past few weeks have been busy. Too busy. Don’t worry. I’ll be back, and the millions of you (hi mom!) who read this will finally be able to end the hunger strikes and return to work…only to read my blog when you should be working.

As an esteemed member of the elite mainstream media, I am often privy to little-known but very important facts, including Chevron station deals on Diet Coke and dates of when the local bank gets a shipment of two dollar bills.

Today, however, I will be talking about the power play list. Unknown to all but a few, it ranks every display of power (power play) by an individual or nation. The list stretches into the trillions, but here is a sampling, ranked highest to lowest:

#1: August 6th, 1945: U.S.A. nukes Hiroshima
#3: June 6th, 1944: Allies invade Normandy
…
#236,923: March 31st, 2007: Archer Martin cuts in front of line of girl-scouts at the ice cream shop
#493,203,326: March 31st, 2007: Geraldine Ferraro “gets Hillary’s back” against “Republican dirty tricks”. No word about getting her back concerning Bill’s “dirty tricks”.
#2,833,269,920: March 31st, 2007: Archer Martin demands extra napkins from the owner of ice cream shop
#2,833,269,921: Late March, 2007: The Rumbling UK Response to Iran Kidnapping UK Marines

So, there you have it: the official list. If anyone asks, you didn’t get it from me.

Check out this video. It’s a live action Taliban Date!

Self-described as a “politically incorrect comedy network”, OURcountry.com is a new community which launched last month offering users comedy, games, networking, and user-generated video.

Basically, it’s kinda like YouTube without the blatant censorship. Or rich, eco-friendly owners who fly around in personal Boeing-767’s. Because we all know the environmentally-wicked conservatives pump out more emissions from their tree-slaying F150’s in a minute than a Google 767 does in a year. Ford should do something responsible, like get into the corporate jet making industry, or something.

Yeah.