Archer Martin

I wonder if Justice Ginsburg is upset because she and Janet Reno were thinking of aborting their love child if things turned out badly at the last minute. You know, like the girl being hot, Republican, or chaste.

Past few weeks have been busy. Too busy. Don’t worry. I’ll be back, and the millions of you (hi mom!) who read this will finally be able to end the hunger strikes and return to work…only to read my blog when you should be working.

I want free gas and free food, and by free I mean paid for by the government.

And by the government I mean that rich doctor down the street. Look at him, driving around in his Mercedes sl500!

Well, I never actually see him, since he works about 80 hours a week, and I guess that isn’t a Mercedes, it’s a Toyota Corolla, but I know that the bastard is making $5 million a year for sitting around and flirting with nurses!

We need to punish these doctors. What we need is free healthcare, and Americans are demanding it.

If CBS prints a poll about Americans’ desires, it must be true, right? OK, so how about an article they printed on the same day, which details how a prescription drug benefit, not even complete healthcare, solely for senior citizens will bankrupt America?

I’m confused. CBS writes a puff piece pushing universal healthcare down our throats with one hand, and with the other hand prints a report from the top U.S. accountant explaining why a program which only covers a fraction of the population with universal healthcare won’t work financially.

Um…Hillary for President in ‘08?

So, apparently Tom Cruise is the christ.

This contradicts with what I was told by a friendly gentleman on the corner of 5th and Broadway last Christmas.

However, due to the similarities between the two, I have to believe that either Tom Cruise was playing dress up last year, or that “Fred” has since died and possessed Tom’s body.

Let’s look at the facts:

a) both claim to be christ

b) both hate psychiatrists

c) both claim aliens were sent to earth by an intergalactic ruler

d) both are terrible actors (Fred didn’t lose his taxi fare!)

e) both have been on oprah

I report, his donations to scientology decide!

When your moral standards consist of free love and those tiny voices in your head, you can never be wrong!

Two PETA activists are standing trial for killing animals…And PETA is defending them!

A spokeswoman, Kathy Guillermo, was quoted as saying “PETA didn’t want to get into the business of euthanizing animals, but now, due to the horrible conditions in pounds, we do”.

Well Kathy, due to the horrible taste of vegetarian only meals, I’ve been forced to slay animals to suffice my appetite. After all, why can’t we eat animals if God made them out of meat?

In the spirit of freedom and protection of liberty, Wikileaks was launched recently by a group of international terrorists activists who intend to use it as a “safe haven for whistleblowers to upload confidential documents”. In other words, United States troop movements and emerging technologies, but without direct financial benefits.

I guess in that sense, I really admire these folks. After all, they aren’t into the money, they are just trying to destroy equalizing the United States nations of the world, much like President Bill Clinton when he lent a friendly hand to China with it’s satellite program.

Oops! He received $500,000 from the Chinese Army for that stunt? Bad analogy. I suppose the charity of Sandy Berger or Needless Nancy’s choice for Intel Chairman are far better examples of the high standards regarding national security I’ve come to expect from the Democrat party.

This is the first in a series of posts where I talk about recent news concerning China.

Yesterday, I was unfortunately forced to watch Wolfie Blitzah reporting on CNN about China’s successful new satellite killer weapon. He and the other CNN correspondant were lamenting the fact that this act was “inconsistent with the spirit of cooperation in space”.

What spirit? Space isn’t the final frontier, it’s the next frontier, and whoever controls it militarily will control the unlimited resources and geography it provides. While Britain whines about space junk and NASA spends 17 billion dollars a year on key projects such as surveying the flatulence of Saturn’s giant moon, China spends 500 million dollars a year figuring out how to dominate the universe. Thankfully, they reassure us with press releases such as “China consistently uses space only for peaceful purposes”.

Well, I’m optimistic that CNN and Wolfie Blitzer have learned their lesson about trusting our enemies. After all this, they wouldn’t be stupid enough to immediately report on how the U.S. missed an opportunity to negotiate a partnership with Iran, would they?